Holocaust Survivor

I am so glad that I attended beginnings last Tuesday. We were privileged enough to have a holocaust survivor come speak to us. It was truly a once in a life time experience considering that in about 10 years from now there will probably be no more left. Even though I was rightfully engaged in what she had to say, apparently she turned some people off. I don't get it. Some people complained that she was too grouchy, held grudges, and was mad at all Germans. Grouchy? ...well I guess I can see that, but to judge her by her story that she had to share??? come on. It frustrates me that people are so close minded. She went through a lot. Would YOU be able to easily forgive the soldiers that burned your sister alive? I don't think so. Yeah she says that she hasn't forgiven them, but that is just her story. I also don't know where people got the thought that she hates all Germans. She even made a point to make that clear, that she doesn't have a problem with Germans, it was just that she couldn't forgive the soldiers that burned her sister alive. She wasn't pressing to "not forgive" on anyone. Ugh! I don't even know why this frustrates me so much. Am I close minded saying that I don't understand how people could be so dumb about it? OH! and then people were saying that she was bashing Bush. All she said was that she didn't vote for him. Well... anyway... she had a lot to say. She was able to be very descriptive about what happened because of her firsthand encounter with it. It helped me appriciate what I have. Her story also made me think about the other end. These were just everyday people that were planning the deaths of millions. They had their own lives, and for them, the camps were just work. I can't even imagine...

Body Image

Well I feel fortunate that I'm not dealing with the pornography or "women as objects" issues that were discussed in class. I don't really feel that is something that pertains to my life. Unfortunately body image is something else. It is not that I sit there in front of the mirror everyday and think about what I do or don't look like, but it is definitely a daily struggle. It's not something that I am quick to admit considering I would think of this problem as really girly... which anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a fan of that and hate being affiliated with that... which I guess is weird? I don't know... anyway... I would say that I struggle with loving myself and that is something much deeper than image. By loving myself I don't exactly mean my appearance... for the most part I am talking about myself as a whole and what I have to offer God and whether I am good enough. When it comes to image though... I honestly could not tell you something that I was completely in love with about my body. I do know that it is dumb to sit there and think about it so I try my best to stop when I catch myself doing it... but again I think that mostly ties into loving myself. Because of this I have a really hard time taking a compliment. I'm not sure exactly how to over come it but as of now all I can do is pray about it giving it to God and repeat the words He told me "I see you as good." For the most part I can come off as "I don't care what I look like." I guess that's another thing that I'm dealing with... it's important for me to feel tougher than I really am... hmmm I honestly don't know why I'm typing this because right now I'm feeling vounerable and weak... and I hate that.

Addictions

Addictions are not an easy thing to admit. There is always such bad connotation wih them. For this reason I am wrestling with what actually are my addictions. I'm not dealing with what you first think of when the topic is brought up. This is a weird topic for me. It is usually very easy for me to pick out what are my "flaws" or what I am doing wrong but I'm not quite sure what my addictions are. (and I guess that means I am giving them the bad connotation) hmmm... I guess I can say that in a way I am addicted to appearing stronger than I am. (if that makes sense) I hate feeling vulnerable with or in front of people. Which is interesting because in saying this I feel I am being that way right now. I guess it is good to though... right? I mean you have to be honest with yourself before you can even attempt to "fix" it.

Goals

1. This year I want to grow closer to God. In one way inparticular I want to be able to be content in the silence and be thankful for it.

2. Another goal I have set for myself is to make good friends with a solid group of people. I want this group to be comfortable with each other and completely honest with me, even if I don't want to hear it.

3. As for my final goal for this year, I want to push myself to open up to others, as they do to me. I am a good listener and people will go to me when they need to talk, vent, or want advice. It is ironic that I have such a hard time opening up.

-Applying My Strengths-

The easiest goal for me to see how my strengths would apply is the second one. Being a developer, I am drawn to people. I love to help people reach their potentials and beyond. It excites me to see people succeed. Using connectedness; I am good at finding things I have in common with the most random people. This is a great way that I use to start relationships- simply by talking about things we have in common. Since I am also restorative, I love to bring things back to life. I am not afraid of being honest so that I can be more than just on the surface friends with people. Individualization is very important also. I observe people's strengths and I draw out the best in them. With my strong sense of belief I will be able to surround myself with others who have the same ideals. It is important for me to be able to have conversations with depth about my faith.